Lost Girl

God I miss writing! There it is, I said it so Why don't I write more? Good question, one that I sadly have no answer for. I suppose its my own damn fault. I let life and work and depression and stupid seizures or whatever the heck they are get in my way. So What if I don't feel like I am writing anything worth a damn! The longer I go, the harder it gets to get back in the saddle. I just need to sit down and write. I don't know what I am afraid of or why I am my own worst enemy but I am. If I fail, its because I didn't push hard enough. I didn't stick to it and push through the hard part. Yes! Rejection sucks, no one likes it but why cant I just persevere and muddle through? why do I always give up just short of the finish line? God I hate that about myself.  How do I change something within me that I don't even notice until after the fact. I just keep getting sucked into this stupid cycle of unhappiness, of failure because I am a disappointment to myself. Then, I get down, the depression swamping me until I fell like I will suffocate. I kick myself in the butt and try to pull it together but I just go numb. It easier not to feel anything than to feel everything and I loose myself in the I don't give a damns because then I don't care about anything. why cant I find a middle ground? Is this all life is?the quest for sanity and a middle ground. living for the next prozac so that i am numb and happy and don't give a damn in a hole different way because all my cares just drift away in a chemical haze? What is happiness? Is it different things to different people? Is it just finding that middle ground where you are content with life and they way things are? I feel glimpses of it. Fleeting moments of joy and satisfaction in things that I cant even explain. Mostly I feel happiness in creating things that are beautiful. In having that beauty surround me. My writing, the words like music to my soul makes me happy, decorating my home so that that I am surrounded by things I chose and placed with care make me happy, Drawing, Art, creation! Those things make me happy.  I want to share my creations with the world but my pool of  friends and acquaintances is so small and their interests so different I feel like I can't. I feel stuck. I feel alone, I feel insecure... What if they don't like it? what if they don't like me? what if, what if, what if...Then I get sucked into the cycle again and that fleeting moment of joy drowns in insecurities and self doubt. Then its another pill to feel human again. to relax again and let it all go and then I am drifting...drifting...drifting... lost once more.